Being In a Rut
I came across this Reddit post about how to get out of a rut. I thought it was interesting and gives a pragmatic approach to getting out of a rut.
The post first goes into acknowledging that you are in a rut when you have symptoms like feeling a sense of meaninglessness, your daily life lacking a sense of fulfillment, you falling back into old bad habits, and you having no motivation to do anything. During this period, perhaps you're in your bed a lot, you can't get house chores done, and you’re not taking care of yourself -- all the while a part of you is begging you to get out of bed, reminding you incessantly that you have to do these tasks.
Fundamentally, I believe that one of the ways we get ourselves into this mess is we are no longer being spontaneous with our day-to-day lives and we are narrow-minded about what constitutes as a productive day. We want a certain rigid set of tasks to be completed. We want to complete our goal. We reduce what we are into something mechanical -- thinking that we are made to unload dishwashers, buy groceries at the supermarket, and go to work, never realizing that in doing so, these are the very things that get us stuck.
Then, because a part of you doesn't want to get those specific tasks done, it'll pitch a fit and you will further be burrowed in your bed scrolling on your phone. The antidote is to find a little self-compassion (which is mentioned in the article). In a podcast episode with Nora Bateson, Najia Shaukat Lupson describes getting her 5-year-old son, who is quite head-strong and opinionated, dressed for school in the morning. She asks her son to go put on his shoes and he promptly yells “NOOO!!!” They talk about how you handle this scenario is one of the most challenging yet insightful things that you can do as a parent. How you manage this kind of situation is at the crux of how you talk to yourself. Do you yell at the top of your lungs that they need to get their shoes put on or they’ll receive a spanking? Do you rationally go through why we need to put on shoes all the while ignoring their internal distress? Do you yourself take a deep breath and sit down with them, ask them what’s wrong all the while knowing that you’re late for school? A lot of the times I think about this scenario when I’m in a rut. Ironically, I hold on to my to-do list the most when I’m in a rut; it is incessantly going through my head. And these are the hardest moments to relinquish control over the rational side of myself because you know you are already “late” in getting the day started — just like when you’re running late in the morning and your child doesn’t want to put shoes on.
In Quit Like a Woman, Holly Whitaker describes being late to work after a night of drinking and her way of giving herself grace:
There was one morning that January I remember particularly well: I was on a business trip in Boston while still working for the health care start-up. I’d drunk the night before to the point of obliteration, or maybe just embarrassment, and woke up in my hotel room late for work. I was the boss and my staff was already at the office and I was tempted to scurry there as fast as possible, but skipping my morning ritual felt unthinkable — almost as unthinkable as skipping a drink. This was the moment the routine clicked — the moment I realized I could not face the world without doing a self-care ritual. I read my little book, wrote down my daily mantra, meditated, drank hot lemon water, and danced around my hotel room to Too Short blasting from my phone. By the time I made it to work, I found I could smile, and not the kind of smile that hides the pain of wanting to die, but the kind that is in and of itself a smile. (Whitaker, 2021)
By doing her rituals, she’s soothing herself just like you would soothe a child. She’s not berating, she’s not abrasive, and she’s certainly not upping the anxiety level. Instead, she’s taking her emotionally charged self seriously and genuinely listening to what she feels and what her body needs and fulfilling that part of herself. There might still be a part of her that looks at her mantras and her journal and her hot lemon water as stupid or a complete waste of time, but I think it’s important to shift into a different perspective in order to change — especially if you’ve already tried the military sargeant hat on and it’s never worked. To further shift perspectives, if you can manage it, take the day off from the incessant to-do list in your mind. Maybe find a little park, buy some watercolors and sit there and draw the scenery in front of you. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad. It's about the experience of being there with the wind and the birds and the grass. Or perhaps invite a friend to go see a play. Or maybe drop in on a yoga class. Do something that you've never done before to infuse your life with a sense of wonder and vitality. Perhaps you will learn more about yourself on your adventure. Perhaps you'll have a nice conversation with someone that will lift your mood. I believe we've lost all spontaneity in today's world. We don't do anything for the sake of doing it anymore; it's more about recording than the present moment, optimization over experience, and achieving some arbitrary goal.
We must expand what we think of as our lives. It hasn't always been this way -- striving to become something better at the cost of mental health and relationships. Everyone is holed up in their own houses, trying to experience life through screens. Think about how lives were lived throughout history. In the Renaissance, there was this explosion of art and science. Many prominent European cities were a major center of the arts, with Opera houses and orchestras. Society earnestly valued the arts, music, dance, fashion and architecture. These things were at life's core -- not brushed to the side as if we could do without them. And people came together in the form of balls and festivals to dance, socialize, and flirt on a monthly if not weekly basis. I'm no historian, by any means, so I'm not doing justice to how vibrant they lived. But by the elegant and beautiful paintings and the utterly creative scientific discoveries that have come out of this period, I can't help but wonder if they live better than us in this respect. I want to be careful because I'm not trying to romanticize. In fact, I know that some of the festivals that were born out of this period came after a bout of the plague, to celebrate their lives which they saw first-hand how tenuous and precious it can all be. Ultimately, expanding what is possible in your day-to-day life can lead to feeling alive again.
Whitaker, H. (2021). Quit like a woman : the radical choice to not drink in a culture obsessed with alcohol. The Dial Press.